peterpan — 11.01.08, 15:29:55

hagebaumarkt Flower Talk – Mobbing

Let our professional flower psychologist talk to your flowers and plants. You will see – your little green frinds will feel better afterwards!



Translation:

The 'Mobbing' chapter:


And now, a serious word amongst friends!
It has been called to my attention that it's not all pretty flowers and shiny leaves in your ranks, in fact that some of you are proper little brambles and cacti deep inside. That you're always getting on each other's shoots and wishing your neighbours a bad dose of greenfly. Winding each other up and kidding about. Or am I wrong?

(SFX) A short silent pause

Well, your silence tells a lot, seems what I heard is right. None of you want to comment? Nothing at all?
Alright, I'll tell you something:
Have you ever heard about acid soils out in the woods? Some people say it's the trees are doing it and it's nothing to do with acid rain. Because they've been standing together for so long and are making life hard for their neighbours. It all starts when their crowns steal each others' sunshine, and that's where things really start to go downhill. Then one will cut off his neighbour's water supply, throw parasites and fungus, call in a Woodpecker or two and so on and so forth. What then happens is obvious:
At first a few leaves will fall, then twigs, then whole branches. The mobbed tree is unable to bear fruit any more, loses the leaves on its crown and eventually dies or is felled by a sympathetic woodsman. This all happens because each tree is an egoist. Because of envy. Because they can't stand being so close or just don't like the looks of their fellow trees. So, in time this whole anger makes the forest floor more and more acidic.

Now, dear friends, the forest floor is large and your pots and tubs are small. How long do you think it takes until your soil is acid? How long until your first flowers fall or the one leaf or another turns yellow?
Do you really think that your owners care about or notice anything of your pot-bound anger? Here's an example: you over there in the corner, what do you think happens when you constantly pick on your neighbour, throw insults, take his bees, tell others that he stinks and laugh every time he flowers late? Your neighbour will suddenly feel ill, his buds won't open or his leaves will droop and turn yellow. Your owners will notice that, Now think about what they'll do next! They might put him outside or he might get re-potted. In the worst case, he'll never stand on your windowsill again. Then you alone will have one of your potted comrades on your conscience. And don't believe it's easy to rehabilitate yourself after a business like this.

Now perhaps you may think, 'Why should that bother me, I'm the most beautiful bloomer on the sill.' But friends, I must tell you that plants who mob can get ill from it too.
They are constantly forced to think up new evils, constantly occupied with gorging themselves on the pain of others. They soon lose any friends they ever had, sit alone on the windowsill and become bored. Interminable boredom. Terrible and desperate boredom. Boredom that lasts until they themselves begin to lose their leaves in a terminal display of organic despair.

Is that what you want? To be alone and bored? If you're honest, I think you know what a terribly empty life that must be. That's why I say: stop mobbing. Be nice to each other and get along. Share the air and the bees. Fan each other a fresh breeze with your leaves, and move your foliage so that everyone gets their share of the sun. And then, dear friends, I guarantee that you will be the most beautiful and happy band of potted plants in town. And you will make your owners very, very happy and proud to have you!

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peterpan — 11.01.08, 15:29:41

hagebaumarkt Flower Talk – Düngemittel

Let our professional flower psychologist talk to your flowers and plants. You will see – your little green frinds will feel better afterwards!


Translation:

The 'Fertilizer' chapter


Now I'd really like to know just how green you are, my friends. Maybe you heard about it, or maybe it even happened to you: did you know that houseplant owners are the biggest stimulants dealers the country has ever seen? It's true, really! Only farmers and foresters are worse!

Honestly, there are studies about how they consistently make their little friends in pots and tubs into feeble fertilizer fixers. It often starts harmlessly with doses of spring water – experts call it entry level horticultural fertilizer – they pour it into your soil with some lame excuse or other. Then they begin to say, ' Oh, but they just love it'. Or, 'All those mineral are just right to get them growing.'
Ok, ok, is all I can say to that. Of course plants love it, but if you tell their owners that their green charges could be on a road to addiction with no return, they go all innocent on you. They just won't listen to that kind of rot.

My advice, friends: beware of people taking natural liberties with this synthetic flower-power fertilizer stuff. Maybe it does feel good to have a magnesium high, or feel the fizz of spring water around the tips of your roots. But listen to my words – you'll get used to these moments of pleasure a lot faster than you imagine. Before you know it, your owners will turn up with brand new concoctions. Just imagine; your owner comes tomorrow with a bottle of flower fertilizer – the latest designer fertilizer on the market. They proudly apply a dose of hallucinatory minerals and expect you to just suck it up regardless. True to the motto, ' If you're going to have flowers, then a lot. After all, this stuff is expensive.'.

What happens then has only been told by very few houseplants who survived to tell the tale of their gruesome addiction:

It starts to get warm around your roots, then they go all soft. From this moment on, it's already too late to turn back. Your capillaries transport the evil substances higher and higher up your stem. From there it suffuses every vein of every leaf and stalk until it reaches its ultimate goal, your buds, and induces intensive bouts of floral insanity. Your inner juices transpire faster and wildly, your leaves and stems dance in psychedelic gyrations with every breath of wind, your will is broken and your buds begin to lose control. You begin to flower in an uninhibited fertilizer induced profusion.
How do plant owners react? They stand and stare, wide-eyed and smiling while visibly enjoying the rampant blooming insanity of their poor enslaved fertilizer addicts.


I know full well that the treacherous illusion of the entire flower-power scene is all just show. And I know how the desire for new and more powerful fertilizers and growth-stimulating substrates is pushed. I also know the pressures you poor innocent plants have to face when your owners show you the latest beauties in the glossy gardening catalogues. But I tell you now, it is all an illusion. The flashy flowerers in the advertising brochures are fertilizer junkies to the tips of their leaves. Not only that, these poor plants are styled, sprayed, powdered and polished and whatever by unscrupulous so-called 'Professional Florists'. Believe you me, they may look fantastic as photos, but after only a couple of summers the glorification of their floral exuberance is at an end, and they lead a poor life in dark corners, old and exploited, unable to produce a green shoot and would do everything for even the tiniest shot of guano. I've even heard there are disreputable windowsill dives where old plants push out a couple of meagre flowers just for a shot of synthetic fertilizer.

That is no life for a decent houseplant, my friends. Always on the lookout for gigantic floral fantasies which can only end on the slow but sure road to the great compost heap. Right, so think about what plant owners do then. Do you really believe they care about their green room-mates any more? Do you honestly believe that they'll help you to stand with straight stems and stalks again? No way! Even coming down in a cold fertilizer withdrawal in the fresh air is most frequently much too tough. Not to mention a course of rehabilitation out in the garden. You must accept that the fertilizer industry is simply without a trace of scruples. Instead of helping you to recover, old and drooping plants with fertilized overdoses are just thrown on the compost heap and replaced by new and virile young growth. Society has no place for perennials!

So let me say it again: don't let your roots get a hold on stuff like this! Even though the unknown or forbidden radiates an immense attraction, and you feel a desire to try everything the fertilizer dealers have to offer. Keep away from dubious synthetic fertilizers- And above all, keep an eye on your owners. Because, my friends, true beauty is a natural thing and not a fertilizer fantasy!

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peterpan — 11.01.08, 15:29:35

hagebaumarkt Flower Talk – Stress

Let our professional flower psychologist talk to your flowers and plants. You will see – your little green frinds will feel better afterwards!


Translation:

The 'Stress' chapter:


You know what, my friends, everyone has to have moments where they can just vegetate away without a trace of stress. Just doing whatever you like from root to stalk. You ought to try it – right now!

Drop all your flowering and growing complexes and let your leaves droop. Let your sap drip and smell as bad as you can. Let all your moisture out in one go, stick out your stamens at the window pane, drop your leaves in front of the next pot, just do whatever you feel like doing.

Right, just to make sure that your new-found laisser-fleur is up to scratch, I'll just open the window a little and let in some fresh air. Here's to freedom! Here we go!:

(SFX) Sounds of breezes, running water and birdsong.

(SFX) The music fades

So, have you dipped your roots deep into the dew? If I know you, none of you did really let the sap rise. But listen, try it again when I'm not here and you don't feel that someone's watching. Then you'll find out what a unbelievably liberating feeling it is. And so essential too!
Particularly for you as houseplants. Because you always suffer so much stress. Always under pressure. Your always compared with others, have to stand out and stand straight. Have to bloom more and better every year, or have an even sweeter scent or fresher look.
Your living in a tough organic society my friends. Here on your windowsill!
And just to please your owners? Just to be the most wonderful flower in the bunch? Just to be pollinated by the next best bee, or sniffed at by a great big human nose?

I can tell you, it's not much fun to put up with all this floral stress. You get twisted stems, your flowers drop off or start smelling nasty. Do any of you really want this? None of you! And a little bird told me your owners don't like it either, that's for sure!

You flowers and greenery, it's so easy to get out of this rut. What? You don't believe me? All you have to do is say to yourself 'If I can't be bothered to bloom today, tomorrow is another day!'.
Let me show you how easy it is to get your selves out of it all, it's all perfectly simple. A simple exercise for every time you're sick of your pot from roots to flowers and the stress is rising like the sap in spring:

Stretch out your roots and suck up a whole load of water from your soil, open your pores and let it out. Let all the pressures and stress evaporate with it, sweat it out, let it blow far away. And scream after it in a loud voice: 'I'm free, I'm beautiful and I love myself just the way I am!.“ You'll feel a whole lot better. I swear you will!

Come on, let's try it together! You don't have to scream out loud if you don't want. Just repeat what I'm about to say inside!

We take a big drink of water

(SFX) Load slurping and swallowing noises

We open our pores.

(SFX) Slow opening of a zip fastener.

And we sweat off all the stress.

(SFX) Hissing steam

And now:
I'm free!
I'm beautiful!
And I love myself just the way I am!


See how good it feels, my little green friends. Did you feel the stress disappear? And it's all so easy to do!
So just remember this little trick and you'll never suffer again!

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peterpan — 11.01.08, 15:29:21

hagebaumarkt Flower Talk – Sexualität

Let our professional flower psychologist talk to your flowers and plants. You will see – your little green frinds will feel better afterwards!


Translation:

The 'Sex' chapter:

So what are your problems, dear houseplants? What would you like to talk about? About sex, perhaps? Are you perhaps a little shy to tell?
I know it's a subject that's not so easy to talk about. I understand that you might find it hard. But that's why I'm here today.

You couldn't know, but the first time I had a talk about sex, I was about the same age you are now, around two or three, at the time.
I can tell you, it wasn't so easy for me then either. It was simply a subject about which nobody really talked. But, at that time I already knew how liberating it can be to chat freely about such an embarrassing subject. And believe you me, today I can say out loud that sex is something perfectly normal. If not in fact the most normal thing in the world!
Did you know, everyone has their pet preferences, things they don't like, weaknesses, strengths. Some more, some less. It's all so perfectly normal.

But whether you're partial to an early or a late flowerer, or like bees with narrow or wide stripes, it doesn't really matter. Everything is perfectly ok. Don't feel down, there's absolutely nothing to be ashamed about. Why should there be?

Because even if you have wild erotic fantasies, that's perfectly normal too!
Like if you think it's so really sexy how the daffodils in the garden slowly stretch their slender necks in the first rays of the sun – so what – that's ok too!
Even if you're sitting here in the room and you see a Humming Bird on TV hovering over an orchid bloom, gently fanning it with warm air, and this gets the juices rising in your buds at the mere thought of it – all perfectly natural!
I heard there are even some plants that just adore being thrown against spiny cacti spines by the wind. Well, why not?

Do you know what the most important thing is to make sure that you really know where you stand? That you really know what you do and don't do is absolutely on the line. And that you enjoy it. Be confident, recognise your passions and emotions and stand by them.
And then, dear listeners, I can guarantee you will then enjoy life on a truly organic basis and flower more freely than you ever imagined.

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peterpan — 11.01.08, 15:29:12

hagebaumarkt Flower Talk – Intro

Let our professional flower psychologist talk to your flowers and plants. You will see – your little green frinds will feel better afterwards!

Translation:

The intro.

Dear houseplants here in the flat, here in this room, over there in the tub and right at the back in your pot. Today is the day you've been waiting for such a long time. You're finally going to get what you always wanted: attention and understanding. A voice. Because I know exactly that you often feel abandoned. Just left alone in the flat. Pushed away and ignored on the window sill. Helpless. In the dark. Nobody to talk to. Never a kind word. Just silence. Silence and bitter loneliness. I know how long you've been hoping. Hoping for a warm and gentle voice to talk to you. To ask you how you feel. To listen. Someone who understands.

So close your pores and listen. I promise you that everything will soon be better. Why? Because such an intimate chat can do so much good in a wondrous way.

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